A Letter To My Son’s Dad’s New Girlfriend

I know it may seem odd that I am broadcasting my feelings in this way. But things have finally come to a head and I felt maybe I didn’t get my feelings out the way I truly wanted to. I did not want any hard feelings, or any drama. That was and is not my intention. But you need to understand boundary lines.

You have been with David for 5/6sih months. You have known my son since November, BUT you’ve truly only spent a small amount of time with him. You do not know my son the way you think you do. You work nights and sleep during the day. You haven’t spent that much time with him to fully know my son, so you cannot make assumptions about him. He is a wonderful kid with a huge heart and he does adore you. Which I appreciate, but you cannot treat him the way you did.

I appreciate that you care about him, but you are not a parent, you are not his step-parent. You do not have the authority to text me multiple times asking how he is. I understand you texting me to ask how he is, but your main concern was if I took him to swim lessons. (I did not.)

You signed him up for swim lessons during “daddy-time”, which is appropriate. Those are activities which fall on days that he is with David. That’s cool, BUT you also don’t know my son. He knows how to swim. He has for a while now, which is why the instructor told him he was “advanced”. I appreciate you offering to let me attend his swimming lessons (I am his mother after all). But you cannot expect me to take him to another city, to swim lessons when I have him. You should have accounted for David traveling. That activity was a planned activity between you guys for David’s days. Not for when I have him in my care.

The reason I never wanted to call David after we received the report cards was because you are not to be involved in anything of our son’s schooling. I allowed you to attend conferences because quite frankly, I was weak and worried about drama. But you should not have attended.

You also cannot have authority over our son,  you cannot dictate his school work, HIS DENTIST/DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS, what he wears, punishing him in any way (grounding/spanking/taking things away) etc. (Child Psychologists will tell you the same thing.)

My son is an eight-year-old. He is a very sensitive kid (I bet you didn’t know that.) You cannot, argue with him about when his spring break was. (It was last week.) Or about swim lessons. When he tells you “I don’t need them” you cannot go on to say, “You’ll never learn how to swim if you don’t go.” And then “Well I guess you can drive yourself” ( because you are mocking his confidence in his ability to swim by being sarcastic.)

When he calls to talk to David, that is who he wants to be talking to. He misses his dad since he travels so much. He wants the quality time and the quality conversation with his father without you taking the phone to lecture him. (Which you have no authoritative right to do so.)

As the girlfriend, and even if/when you are a step-parent you still need to respect these boundaries. These are boundaries for step-parents as well. (Boundaries, which my husband fully respects and would never cross.) I understand that our son does need to listen to you when he’s there sometimes. (Because he does.) BUT not when it comes to health, education, what to wear, etc.

When I text David about how I feel, you cannot step in. You cannot text the response for David. Again, you are not a parent. I am his mother. David is his father. We are the only two who need to be communicating about this. You need to understand that at the end of the day this is about our son. I do not feel “threatened” (as you put in the long text you sent from David’s phone.) I was sticking up for my child, who’s feelings you hurt because you do not understand him.

I appreciate everything you have done for him, I do. I like how you took initiative and bought some step-parenting books so you can learn how to be a good step-parent. (It should say in those books the boundaries you are not allowed to cross.) I understand you care about my son and I really appreciate that, a lot. I really do.

I am trying to do what is best for my son, and if you really care about him you will understand where I’m coming from and do the same.

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